Jokes Jokes Jokes

The Pearly Gates



40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40
travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over quota on Pikeys . Go out and tell them to choose
between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen
in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. 'They've
gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

'No, the gates'.

IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY

Artery......................... The study of paintings
Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria
Barium......................... What doctors do when patients die
Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section..........A neighbourhood in Rome
Catscan....................... Searching for Kitty
Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her
Colic............................ A sheep dog
Coma........................... A punctuation mark
Dilate........................... To live long
Enema.......................... Not a friend
Fester.......................... Quicker than someone else
Fibula........................... A small lie
Impotent....................... Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain....................Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff................. A Doctor's cane
Morbid.......................... A higher offer
Nitrates........................ Cheaper than day rates
Node............................ I knew it
Outpatient.................... A person who has fainted
Pelvis........................... Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative............... A letter carrier
Recovery Room.............. Place to do upholstery
Rectum......................... Nearly killed him
Secretion...................... Hiding something
Seizure......................... Roman emperor
Tablet.......................... A small table
Terminal Illness.............. Getting sick at the airport
Tumour.........................One plus one more
Urine........................... Opposite of you're out
2xCondoms....................To be sure, to be sure!

What key fits every lock?


a Pikey

What do you call a fish with no eyes?


A fsh

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"
The young engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It is city in Africa.

The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:

"I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu ... "

The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But then comes the shepherd, with his winning masterpiece:

"When Tim and I to Brisbane went
We met three women cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ...

little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?
"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.
As she is sitting on grand dad's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"
"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog."
The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please please make a sound like a frog?"
Perplexed, her grand dad says, "Sweet heart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?"
And the little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to Florida!"

i like that hembo

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's £3.95 per minute.


I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

An old man rocking on his porch sees a young kid and his fishing pole walking down the dirt road. "Where you goin' with that pole?" he calls. "Gonna git me some fish with this here fishing pole!" answers the kid. Sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with a bucket of fish.

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some duct tape. "Where you goin' with that?" he calls. "Gonna git me some ducks with this here tape!" answers the kid. "You can't git no ducks with tape!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the tape strung out behind him and ducks stuck all over it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some chicken wire. "Where you going with that?" he calls. "Gonna get me some chickens with this wire!" answers the kid. "You can't get no chickens with wire!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the wire strung out behind him and chickens stuck all through it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some pussy willows. "Now hold on just a minute" calls the old man, "wait while I get my hat!!"