Jokes Jokes Jokes
Page 1 of 23 • 1, 2, 3 ... 12 ... 23 
Jokes Jokes Jokes
by Drew on Tue Oct 13, 2009 5:58 pm
A new Royal Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the
African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a
camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said,
"Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And
sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have the Molly The
Camel."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about
"urges", so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy with
passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a
ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants
down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.
When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" ?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
No not really, sir... "They usually just ride the camel into town where the
girls are".
__________________
African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a
camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said,
"Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And
sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have the Molly The
Camel."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about
"urges", so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy with
passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a
ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants
down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.
When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" ?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
No not really, sir... "They usually just ride the camel into town where the
girls are".
__________________
Drew- Number of posts: 331
Registration date: 2008-11-17
Age: 67
Location: Bridport 
Re: Jokes Jokes Jokes
by 1rodbri on Tue Oct 13, 2009 6:04 pm
very good Drew : 
_________________
species 2009 so far =14 total trips so far = 22
1 scorpion , 5 whitting, 3 pollock , 5 pouting , 1 shore rockling , mackerel , 24 ballen wrasse , 2 blennys , 1 black bream , 1 common eel , 1 scad , 1 tom pot blenny , corkwing wrasse , 4 squid ,
1rodbri- Number of posts: 89
Registration date: 2009-04-30
Age: 66
Location: yeovil somerset -
Re: Jokes Jokes Jokes
by Drew on Tue Oct 13, 2009 6:05 pm
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up, a
blonde walks by and asks what they are doing?.
Paddy: "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don't
have a ladder."
The blonde took a spanner from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid
the flagpole down. She pulled a tape measure from her pocket, took a few measurements
and announced that it was eighteen feet and six inches. She then walked off.
Mick: "Ain't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length."
blonde walks by and asks what they are doing?.
Paddy: "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don't
have a ladder."
The blonde took a spanner from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid
the flagpole down. She pulled a tape measure from her pocket, took a few measurements
and announced that it was eighteen feet and six inches. She then walked off.
Mick: "Ain't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length."
Drew- Number of posts: 331
Registration date: 2008-11-17
Age: 67
Location: Bridport -
Re: Jokes Jokes Jokes
by Drew on Tue Oct 13, 2009 6:07 pm
After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to
the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English
scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in
the UK newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 200
year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had
an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier
than the Scots."
One week later, The Kerryman , a southwest Irish newsletter, reported
the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in a peat bog near
Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archeologist, reported that he
found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years
ago Ireland had already gone wireless."
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to
the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English
scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in
the UK newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 200
year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had
an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier
than the Scots."
One week later, The Kerryman , a southwest Irish newsletter, reported
the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in a peat bog near
Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archeologist, reported that he
found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years
ago Ireland had already gone wireless."
Drew- Number of posts: 331
Registration date: 2008-11-17
Age: 67
Location: Bridport -
Re: Jokes Jokes Jokes
by Drew on Tue Oct 13, 2009 6:07 pm
A lady walks into the vet's office with a limp duck in her arms and puts it on the examination table.
The vet looks at it and says, "Lady, your duck is dead."
Lady - "How can you say that my duck is dead? You only looked at it. You didn't even run any tests.
So the vet goes out and comes back with a Labrador Retriever and puts the dog on the table.
The dog sniffs at the duck and then shakes its head.
The vet takes the dog out and comes back with a cat.
He puts the cat on the table, it sniffs the duck and shakes its head.
Vet - "Lady, it's like I told you before, your duck is dead. That will be £150.00"
Lady - "You're going to charge me £150.00 just to tell me that my duck is dead?"
Vet - "Look if you had taken my word for it at first it would have been only £20.00, but after the lab report and the catscan, its £150.00"
The vet looks at it and says, "Lady, your duck is dead."
Lady - "How can you say that my duck is dead? You only looked at it. You didn't even run any tests.
So the vet goes out and comes back with a Labrador Retriever and puts the dog on the table.
The dog sniffs at the duck and then shakes its head.
The vet takes the dog out and comes back with a cat.
He puts the cat on the table, it sniffs the duck and shakes its head.
Vet - "Lady, it's like I told you before, your duck is dead. That will be £150.00"
Lady - "You're going to charge me £150.00 just to tell me that my duck is dead?"
Vet - "Look if you had taken my word for it at first it would have been only £20.00, but after the lab report and the catscan, its £150.00"
Drew- Number of posts: 331
Registration date: 2008-11-17
Age: 67
Location: Bridport -
Re: Jokes Jokes Jokes
by worzel on Tue Oct 13, 2009 6:11 pm
i hate having to crush my grans pills up and put them in her dinner . i feel sneaky but id never forgive myself if i got her pergnant
worzel- Number of posts: 1071
Registration date: 2008-08-18
Age: 32
Location: yeovil -
Re: Jokes Jokes Jokes
by worzel on Tue Oct 13, 2009 6:18 pm
Guts or Balls...
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''
worzel- Number of posts: 1071
Registration date: 2008-08-18
Age: 32
Location: yeovil -
Re: Jokes Jokes Jokes
by worzel on Tue Oct 13, 2009 6:19 pm
A man was riding his motorbike along a california beach when suddenly in a booming voice god said ' because u have been faithful 2 me in all ways, i'll grant u 1 wish'
'build me a bridge 2 hawaii' said the man.
God said 'its an enormous undertaking 2 build over an ocean, it would use up al the steel & concrete in the world, i can do it, but its hard 2 justify. Is there anything else u can think off that could help mankind'.
The man thought for a bit, then said 'i wish all men could understand women, i want 2 know what she's thinking when i get the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says there's nothing wrong. & how i can make her truly happy'.
God replies 'u want 2 lanes or 4 on that bridge?'
'build me a bridge 2 hawaii' said the man.
God said 'its an enormous undertaking 2 build over an ocean, it would use up al the steel & concrete in the world, i can do it, but its hard 2 justify. Is there anything else u can think off that could help mankind'.
The man thought for a bit, then said 'i wish all men could understand women, i want 2 know what she's thinking when i get the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says there's nothing wrong. & how i can make her truly happy'.
God replies 'u want 2 lanes or 4 on that bridge?'
worzel- Number of posts: 1071
Registration date: 2008-08-18
Age: 32
Location: yeovil -
Re: Jokes Jokes Jokes
by spursboyz on Tue Oct 13, 2009 7:36 pm
ohh no drew started something now nice 1 guys
_________________
species 2009 = total 24-- blanks 9 -- trips so far 58 == ALL SHORE CAUGHT
whitting , pouting , shore rockling , five beard rockling , three beareded rockling , pollock , scorpion fish , dogfish , common eel , ballen wrasse , corkwing wrasse , flounder , mackerel , pipe fish , bass , blenny , black bream , tompot blenny garfish , scad , golden grey mullett , 1 dragon net , squid , squat lobster
species 2008 = 16
spursboyz- Number of posts: 3022
Registration date: 2008-08-05
Age: 35
Location: yeovil somerset -
Re: Jokes Jokes Jokes
by spursboyz on Tue Oct 13, 2009 7:36 pm
"Warning this joke has thinly disguised rude words!!"
Three binmen (Opps! waste operatives) were doing their Xmas rounds and collecting their well earned ‘xmas boxes’ from the grateful householders (grateful that they didn’t tip the bins across the drive!) when they arrived at a pleasant house at the end of a cul-de-sac.
First binman goes up to the door to be met by the lady of the house in ‘revealing attire’
“Oh yes, I know what you want!” She says and drags him upstairs to the bedroom to have her wicked way with him.
He returns bedraggled to the lorry and tells his mate. His mate thinks he’ll have some of that, goes to the house, once again she appears in even more ‘revealing attire’
“Oh yes, I know what you want!” She says and drags him upstairs to the bedroom to have her wicked way with him as well.
He returns bedraggled to the lorry and tells the driver. Hmmm I’ll have a bit of that thinks the driver and walks up to the house,
The lady opens the door and gives him a fiver, “Oi” he says, “What about the ‘fun and games’ you gave my mates”.
“Oh that” she says “you’ll have to blame my husband for that”
“what’s he got to do with it?” says the driver
.
.
“Well, he said to give a fiver to the driver and **** the other two”
Three binmen (Opps! waste operatives) were doing their Xmas rounds and collecting their well earned ‘xmas boxes’ from the grateful householders (grateful that they didn’t tip the bins across the drive!) when they arrived at a pleasant house at the end of a cul-de-sac.
First binman goes up to the door to be met by the lady of the house in ‘revealing attire’
“Oh yes, I know what you want!” She says and drags him upstairs to the bedroom to have her wicked way with him.
He returns bedraggled to the lorry and tells his mate. His mate thinks he’ll have some of that, goes to the house, once again she appears in even more ‘revealing attire’
“Oh yes, I know what you want!” She says and drags him upstairs to the bedroom to have her wicked way with him as well.
He returns bedraggled to the lorry and tells the driver. Hmmm I’ll have a bit of that thinks the driver and walks up to the house,
The lady opens the door and gives him a fiver, “Oi” he says, “What about the ‘fun and games’ you gave my mates”.
“Oh that” she says “you’ll have to blame my husband for that”
“what’s he got to do with it?” says the driver
.
.
“Well, he said to give a fiver to the driver and **** the other two”
_________________
species 2009 = total 24-- blanks 9 -- trips so far 58 == ALL SHORE CAUGHT
whitting , pouting , shore rockling , five beard rockling , three beareded rockling , pollock , scorpion fish , dogfish , common eel , ballen wrasse , corkwing wrasse , flounder , mackerel , pipe fish , bass , blenny , black bream , tompot blenny garfish , scad , golden grey mullett , 1 dragon net , squid , squat lobster
species 2008 = 16
spursboyz- Number of posts: 3022
Registration date: 2008-08-05
Age: 35
Location: yeovil somerset -
Re: Jokes Jokes Jokes
by hembo on Wed Oct 14, 2009 6:32 am
Rabbit walks into a pub on monday.
"Gimme a pint of hoffmeister and a cheese and onion toastie please barkeep!" and he duly gets his order, munches it and leaves.
Same rabbit walks back in on tuesday
"Gimme a pint of hoffmeister and a ham and cheese toastie please barkeep!" and he duly gets his order, munches it and leaves.
Wednesday comes around...
"Gimme a pint of hoffmeister and a ham and pickle toastie please barkeep!" and he duly gets his order, munches it and leaves.
Thursday - regular as clockwork...
"Gimme a pint of hoffmeister and a beans toastie please barkeep!" and he duly gets his order, munches it and leaves.
Friday - no suprises here - in trundles the rabbit...
"Gimme a pint of hoffmeister and a tuna mayo toastie please barkeep!" and he duly gets his order, munches it andsuddenly keels over, vomits up his own eyeballs and karks it, then and there on the stinky carpet.
Coroner records the cause of death as "Mixing my toasties".
"Gimme a pint of hoffmeister and a cheese and onion toastie please barkeep!" and he duly gets his order, munches it and leaves.
Same rabbit walks back in on tuesday
"Gimme a pint of hoffmeister and a ham and cheese toastie please barkeep!" and he duly gets his order, munches it and leaves.
Wednesday comes around...
"Gimme a pint of hoffmeister and a ham and pickle toastie please barkeep!" and he duly gets his order, munches it and leaves.
Thursday - regular as clockwork...
"Gimme a pint of hoffmeister and a beans toastie please barkeep!" and he duly gets his order, munches it and leaves.
Friday - no suprises here - in trundles the rabbit...
"Gimme a pint of hoffmeister and a tuna mayo toastie please barkeep!" and he duly gets his order, munches it andsuddenly keels over, vomits up his own eyeballs and karks it, then and there on the stinky carpet.
Coroner records the cause of death as "Mixing my toasties".
hembo- Number of posts: 109
Registration date: 2008-09-19
Location: somerset -
Re: Jokes Jokes Jokes
by 1rodbri on Wed Oct 14, 2009 7:05 am
nice one h embo
_________________
species 2009 so far =14 total trips so far = 22
1 scorpion , 5 whitting, 3 pollock , 5 pouting , 1 shore rockling , mackerel , 24 ballen wrasse , 2 blennys , 1 black bream , 1 common eel , 1 scad , 1 tom pot blenny , corkwing wrasse , 4 squid ,
1rodbri- Number of posts: 89
Registration date: 2009-04-30
Age: 66
Location: yeovil somerset -
Re: Jokes Jokes Jokes
by Drew on Wed Oct 14, 2009 7:35 am
A woman was waiting at the bus stop all dressed up for a naight out in her tightest skirt and heels
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became
aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to
come up to the height of the?first step?of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the?bus
driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin , she could not raise her leg
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About?this time, a large Texan who was standing
behind her picked her up easily by the waist
and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the
would-be Samaritan
and?yelled,
'How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled,
'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
but after you?unzipped my fly three times,
I kinda figured?we was friends.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became
aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to
come up to the height of the?first step?of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the?bus
driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin , she could not raise her leg
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About?this time, a large Texan who was standing
behind her picked her up easily by the waist
and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the
would-be Samaritan
and?yelled,
'How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled,
'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
but after you?unzipped my fly three times,
I kinda figured?we was friends.
Drew- Number of posts: 331
Registration date: 2008-11-17
Age: 67
Location: Bridport -
Re: Jokes Jokes Jokes
by Drew on Wed Oct 14, 2009 7:39 am
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
‘Miss Beatrice’, he said, pointing to the bowl’ ‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’
‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know, I haven’t had the flu all winter.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
‘Miss Beatrice’, he said, pointing to the bowl’ ‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’
‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know, I haven’t had the flu all winter.
Drew- Number of posts: 331
Registration date: 2008-11-17
Age: 67
Location: Bridport -
Re: Jokes Jokes Jokes
by Drew on Wed Oct 14, 2009 7:41 am
The Pearly Gates
40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.
St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40
travellers here. Can I let them in?'
God says 'We are over quota on Pikeys . Go out and tell them to choose
between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen
in.'
Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. 'They've
gone', he tells God.
'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'
'No, the gates'.
40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.
St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40
travellers here. Can I let them in?'
God says 'We are over quota on Pikeys . Go out and tell them to choose
between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen
in.'
Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. 'They've
gone', he tells God.
'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'
'No, the gates'.
Drew- Number of posts: 331
Registration date: 2008-11-17
Age: 67
Location: Bridport -
Page 1 of 23 • 1, 2, 3 ... 12 ... 23
Permissions of this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum